I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
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When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Oh deer
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*