People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Oh we’ve met.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.