I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
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My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.