Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
You Might Also Like
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.