I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
You Might Also Like
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Bed should get ready for ME
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*