My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.