Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
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Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Thursday Thought.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?