[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
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*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
what’s more important?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch