CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
You Might Also Like
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.