[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”