Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
You Might Also Like
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
wow he looks just like him
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job