I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
You Might Also Like
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.