plant them where lol
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My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
i smell a pulitzer
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”