I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
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I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?