I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
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Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
i’m laughing very hard in real life
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?