People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
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Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.