The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
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me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich