[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
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We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
bears
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Software Development ⛵️
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.