(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
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when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Meow
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers