Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
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From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.