My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
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guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream