[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
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My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?