Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
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[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?