Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate