Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
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I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I am laughing way too hard at this.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
concern
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}