My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
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I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks