just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
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Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
You wish you had this many chins.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.