After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
You Might Also Like
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.