You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
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[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
also my go-to takeaway order
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning