*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
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Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
*bites zombie*
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..