When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
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A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.