He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
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Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.