All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
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How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]