Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
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Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”