It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
You Might Also Like
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait