celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
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I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
#have a #great #PancakeDay
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”