“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
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This chloroform smells expensiv…
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat