me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
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don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Hotels are back
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.