Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
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Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I laughed at this way too hard.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Ghost costume 😂
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took