My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
You Might Also Like
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Just why bro?!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Florida man
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing