JOURNEY:
馃幎Strangers, waiting,馃幎
馃幎Up and down the boulevard馃幎
馃幎Their shadows searching in the night!馃幎ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
馃幎Streetlights,馃幎
馃幎people馃幎ME: Ah. Carry on.
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[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I don鈥檛 know why these at-home workouts aren鈥檛 working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I鈥檝e created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn鈥檛 attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Karate isn鈥檛 always the solution but when it is, it鈥檚 the ONLY solution
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
There鈥檚 no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don鈥檛 know yours, rest assured that it鈥檚 not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn鈥檛 really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can鈥檛 stay home alone.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 馃槅
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?