Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
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My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
I will never stop laughing at this
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.