“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
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If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?