Jesus steals the winter solstice
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If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Milk Cube
“I’m helping” 😅
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.