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Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
But that’s none of my business
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.