If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
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ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
A wise man once said nothing.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?