I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Just a reminder, folks:
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults