Well, my evening plans are ruined
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Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
A small tragedy.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.