Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
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N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made