What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye